Denial or Dishonest - Ted Kennedy, Chloe Madeley and Harlequins

Strange that examples of ‘denial’ seem to be everywhere since I wrote that piece about Gordon Brown.
First up we learned that Richard and Judy’s daughter Chloe Madeley apparently abandoned her car having crashed into another. Then Ted Kennedy dies and everyone is thinking back to the time when he drove into the water at Chappaquiddick and left his companion, Mary Joe Kopechne to die in his semi-submerged car.
The news of the rugby team’s cover up over using fake blood to simulate an injury so that they could substitute a player seems - at first glance - to be yet another example, except that this isn’t denial so much as outright lying. After all, they knew what they were doing; it was a deliberate, pre-meditated act so they can’t be said to be in ‘denial’. Just dishonest.

Will Carling talks about the 'Bloodgate' scandal
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But the first two examples are similar. Chloe Madeley presumably hoped that by running away, she might avoid getting into trouble. Perhaps she was worried about being breathalysed and thought her famous parents would be able to organise a cover-up. Perhaps she’s still young enough to think first of her parents in times of trouble. Could be she just wasn’t thinking straight, but it certainly doesn’t sound as if she’s been brought up to deal honestly and openly with the consequences of her actions.
Similarly, the Kennedy family, sad to say, often felt they didn’t have to suffer any consequences of their actions. They came across as firm believers in the theory that they were above normal procedures, even above the law. They knew everyone who was rich and powerful and instinctively tried to make this work for them. Edward Kennedy’s penalty for leaving the scene of the accident was pretty minimal. The Kennedy’s seemed to think that if they stuck together in times of trouble, closed ranks and shut out the rest of the world, they could overcome most difficulties that came their way. That’s denial, if ever I’ve seen it.
Even much more recently Edward Kennedy was involved in an attempted cover-up of an alleged rape by one of his nephews, for which I believe he has since apologised. So it sounds as if in later years he had begun to learn that attempting to hide things, and trying to circumvent the law are not useful tools for life.
Interesting though, that with all this in his background, he should have gone on to win such huge respect from the American people, and the rest of the world. It seems he managed to redeem himself by working for most of his life for the underdog, for those without the same voice as the Kennedy’s, with those who were impoverished and suffering through no fault of their own.
So perhaps the lesson here is that Kennedy’s experience in manipulating the system, maybe eventually opened his eyes to the fact that there are others much less fortunate who can’t, and who are much more deserving of help than the richest and most powerful members of society. So maybe that’s why he focussed so much on legislation to improve the lives of others in his later years.
One imagines he came to see that none of us is an island, that each of our actions impinges on others, that we can face up to what we’ve done and learn from it, that it is possible to own up, admit a mistake and ask forgiveness. And that that is usually a far healthier way forward than pretending something didn’t happen.

Gordon Brown in Denial over Lockerbie bomber release

Gordon Brown seems to have gone into denial over the release, on compassionate grounds, of Mergahi. I’ve been waiting eagerly to watch his body language as he first speaks out on the subject.....yet even today, at his first press conference since the news came out, it seems he’s ducking the issue.
Does he really believe that if he doesn’t acknowledge what everyone’s talking about, namely whether or not the alleged Lockerbie bomber should have been released, then we’ll all just think the problem’s gone away?
Can he be that stupid? People who won’t acknowledge difficult things, or who shy away from difficult issues, people who can’t handle confrontation or who choose to avoid sensitive issues don’t come across as strong or able. Instead they appear weak and pathetic. That doesn’t mean I wanted to see him plough into the argument all guns blazing, putting on a strong act to cover up whatever his own part in it was.
But I would have liked to see him engaging in some discussion over whether the release was, in essence, a good idea: whether Mergahi would have received the same compassionate treatment under English law, if he’d been in an English jail; whether it can ever be right to release someone who has the blood of 270 innocent victims on his hands; whether the need for trade ever outweighs the need for justice; whether we are a more compassionate people than all those Americans who are so angry at this result.
A good Prime Minister, one who was at ease with himself and comfortable in his role would surely have been able to take these awkward arguments in his stride.
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Results, Results, Results....How should parents react to kids' exam results?

Today’s the big day for so many of our young people and it’s really important for their self-esteem and confidence that they get their ‘moment’. For some, quite lowly grades will be a huge achievement. Others will be disappointed that in amongst a string of ‘A’s’ lurks just one ‘B’. But most, if not all, will have done their very best and are entitled to this one day of self-satisfaction.

So it’s hugely important that parents don’t bring their own expectations to bear on this emotional day. You may be disappointed in your child’s results but now is not the time to say so. As long as you know they’ve worked really hard, please just let them enjoy today. Nothing is more guaranteed to bring a young person down, than a bit of niggling from a parent. Most will have worked really hard for months before their exams, and will already be in a state of emotional turmoil about the results. And the very best outcome for everyone is for the young person to be allowed to feel their own feelings in their own way without anyone else imposing their judgements, or criticisms or disappointment.

So, even if your offspring haven’t quite come up to your expectations, it’s really important that for this one day you put your feelings aside. You let your child have his or her ‘moment’.......it’ll never be possible to recapture this day or this time, so just let them go with the flow.

If more work needs to be done, if re-takes are on the horizon, you can sort it all out tomorrow or the day after. But for today, let them bask in their own glory if they can, or, if they’re disappointed in themselves, try to perk them up by reminding them how hard they work and how much you still value them. Exam results do not make a human being...and it may be kind to remind them of that.
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To be Young and Unemployed in 2009

What must it be like to be young and unemployed in the current difficult climate? To have left school or university recently and find little or no prospects of a job in your area must be devastating.

Anyone who's been unemployed - or been given the sack - knows what a huge dent it makes in your morale. We're conditioned nowadays to value ourselves through our work; a huge number of the good feelings we have about ourselves are often tied up with what we do for a living. So the loss of it - or the prospect of never getting any - can set up a sadness akin to bereavement. It is a real loss, after all..... a loss of self-esteem, a loss of hope, a loss of power. For only when we're earning are we truly able to have control of our lives, to organise things as we want them.

So I feel particularly sorry for this new generation who have no job prospects in front of them. It means many will have to stay living at home with their parents for far longer than they'd hoped. It means many will have acres of time on their hands and no money to spend doing anything with it.
It'll mean a loss of dreams for many and the abandonment of ambition....they'll instead be marking time until they can find someone to employ them.

We need to take care of this generation, to offer them what help we can. I can only hope that some of the government schemes set up to help re-train them or occupy them or encourage them into volunteering are actually delivering on their promises. For if not, we face a future with a lost generation growing up never knowing what it's like to have a reason to get up in the morning, and a purpose to life.

What Hillary Clinton's outburst says about her, and her relationship with Bill

Hillary Clinton's outburst at a press conference in DR Congo seems to have been interpreted as a feisty, ballsy response from a strong-minded feminist. But to me, it seemed there was far more to it than that. Her response was so quick, and instinctive it appeared to indicate a long history of troubled feelings, of insecurity in relation to her husband, of years spent in his shadow.



It's interesting in retrospect that the questioner apparently made a slip of the tongue, and had really wanted to ask her about President Obama's view...not President Clinton's. And any truly relaxed human being might have taken a minute to ponder the question, put it back politely to the questioner in order to verify that she'd properly understood. That would then have given the questioner time to apologise and re-phrase the question.

But no, Hillary ploughed right on in.....giving away, I think, the fact that even now, even as Secretary of State for the USA, she still feels she has to justify herself and her position, still has to point out to people that she's 'made it', still needs to remind herself and others that she has a life apart from her husband's.

It's sad really for she is clearly a strong woman in her own right. It's just that maybe years of conditioning as the wife of a president have left even her not really believing it.

Baby P's Murderers - Born Evil or Turned Evil?

The newspapers are full of vitriol today about Baby P’s mother, step-father and brother....variously described as evil, vile, wicked, tramps. And, of course, their behaviour towards the tiny innocent little boy was precisely that and we all continue to be horrified at the torture they inflicted on him, at how he must have suffered, how it must have hurt, and how utterly lonely and bewildered the little chap must have felt for most of his life; never knowing love and tenderness; never being swept up in his parents’ arms for a cuddle; never feeling comfortable, well-fed, changed; never being able to trust those around him; often, if not always, probably in pain.
Most of us cannot begin to understand how other human beings can treat a baby like this. But surely herein lies a lesson for us all. When will we begin to realise that there are cycles of violence, that a child brought up in a violent home, without love and attention, lacking in affection, neglected for most of its life will go on to inflict the same kind of desperate neglect on their own children? Almost inevitably.
It’s about time we tried to break these cycles, to intervene earlier, to give young people from chaotic homes the chance to improve their lot, to offer them parenting classes long before they think of starting a family, to help them learn empathy and compassion and become emotionally intelligent.
Only people who are totally without empathy can inflict cruelty on others. And anyone who’s experienced gross neglect as a child is likely to be unable to empathise. All they know is pain, for them it’s normal which is why it doesn’t seem that difficult to inflict it on others, indeed it often seems OK because they believe this is how the world is.
It’s a tough nut to crack but we should surely be investing resources in catching young vulnerable people in their early teens, offering them chances to be cared for loved, respected and valued; helping them with their social skills, encouraging them to think of others, training them up to be good parents in their turn. If we don’t do something, more and more cases of child neglect will continue to stun us.

Mark Lester claims he is true father of Michael Jackson's daughter Paris...but why do this through the Press?

There’s a lot of wisdom in the old adage that if you really care for someone you only want the best for them.....so why, if Mark Lester truly believes he might be Paris Jackson’s biological Dad, would his first move be to go to the press?
Surely as her Godfather, he’s supposed to be taking care of her welfare and well-being, and the kindest course of action (if he truly had her interests at heart) would have been to raise the issue quietly and privately with those closest to her who are caring for her.
He seems to be volunteering to undergo a paternity test – but for whose sake? Obviously Paris has the right to know who her true parents are, when she’s old enough and ready to ask. But at the moment, surely she needs to be left alone to grieve the enormous loss of her only constant parent?
And if he should turn out to be the father, what does he propose to do about it? Is he going to break her heart by telling her about it? Is he then prepared to support her financially until she’s 18? Hopefully, he’s not planning to separate her from her siblings and bring her to the UK to live with him? So what possible good can it do for her to have this uncertainty raised at this stage?
You have to wonder about his motives...and indeed about the motives of all those who feel they have to live their lives through the pages of the newspapers, the world-wide web and on television .
It sometimes seems nowadays that everyone feels a need to ‘validate’ their feelings in public. As if things can’t be ‘real’ until they’ve divulged their innermost thoughts and feelings and seen them splashed across the world; as if they don’t fully exist until they’ve participated in this ‘reality’ circus foisted on us by today’s media.
Think how everyone feels obliged nowadays to speak out when they lose a loved one, or after a court case....they all trot out to say their piece about how ‘devastated’ they are and how their lives will never be the same etc. etc. But we all know that...we don’t need to hear it from them...and they’d probably be better off going away quietly, being with their families and supporting each other. But for some reason it’s become the norm now for people to get things off their chests publicly. Maybe it helps – for a second or two – but surely we should be trying to learn that our lives and our feelings can be just as valuable and worthwhile and authentic even when not ‘framed’ by a tv screen.