Children and Divorce

Apparently some researchers in the UK have established that children suffer more from conflict between their parents during divorce, than any lack of contact. It always amazes me how people will spend hours of their time and huge sums to find things out that are so self-evident anyway. I've worked with endless children whose parents have been divorcing. And it's no great surprise that they prefer their parents not to row. Indeed the key thing they always ask for is that their parents should remain friends. The break up of a family is a devastating thing for any child. The family is their bedrock; they've always believed in it. And they have to feel it's stable and secure to feel stable and secure themselves. So once this illusion is shattered, they have so very much to come to terms with. It's like the collapse of their universe.....like someone's pulled the rug out from under them and they have to start afresh and relearn a whole new way of living.

So, of course, if their parents can only get on and speak politely and kindly to each other, it's going to make the whole process easier for the children. Apart from anything else, young people often blame themselves for any break up. They may be too young to understand what's going on, and every time they hear their parents row, they may believe they've done something wrong to cause this upset. I've heard so many children describe those terribly anxious moments lying awake in bed listening to the row going on downstairs. The anxiety sets up butterflies in their stomachs as they lie awake dreading that the angry parent is going to walk out, or come upstairs and take things out on them. And wondering what they can do to make things better sometimes believing that if only they can behave or please their parents in some way, all will be well.

Of course this leads to fragile children with insecurity. They literally don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next. But when they learn that their parents are separating, that the rows will finally come to and end, this rarely makes them any happier. Now they're even more likely to blame themselves, to wonder what they could have done to prevent this happening, and to worry about the future without both parents.

At this point, if parents can only learn to put their children first and do their utmost to achieve an amicable divorce or separation, that will benefit their offspring hugely. Children are quick to pick up an atomosphere; they'll already probably have realised that their parents can't live together. But they don't see why they can't remain friends. They know there must have been love there once for that's when they were conceived. So they can't understand why their parents can't remember that love and be kind to each other.

And parents who do manage to remain on good terms find their children much more quickly adjust to the new circumstances. For a start if the parents remain able to communicate without bitterness, they're likely to be in touch more often and the children's needs more easily seen to. And the children won't have to get involved in all those ghastly games where parents all too often try to get them to take sides. They'll know that they still have two parents who both still love them and who are doing their utmost to keep relations good for the whole family's sake.

People often wonder why we have so many angry people in society today. I believe that much of this angers stems from mistreatment in childhood. And that mistreatment can be something like being negelected or having their needs ignored during a divorce or separation. A young person who feels shut out and irrelevant at this stage in life is likely to grow up feeling misunderstood, neglected and hard done by. And it's young people with resentments like that who all too often grow into the angry adults around us. And they in turn then go on to inflict their anger on their offspring...and so it goes on..and on...and on.

So to get off this merry-go-round of creating angry people, we do surely need to encourage parents towards more amicable divorces. I remember one young client who confided to me (aged 10) that all he really wanted to make him happier was for his parents to exchange a few kind words on the doorstep when his Dad picked him up. Or for his Dad to come in for a cup of tea at hand-over time. His dream was that if that could be achieved, then, maybe one day his Dad would be able to come in for a game of Monopoly....just like the old days when they all lived at home together. And if he had his ultimate wish it would be for Mum and Dad to take him and his brother on holiday...again like the old days. He knew nothing would bring them back together again, but this didn't sound like a lot to ask.
Dilys

Dear Dilys Advice: The Shy One

Dear Dilys Advice: The Shy One

The Shy One

Dear Col,
It sounds like your friends are only making a difficult situation worse. There's nothing worse than being 'labelled' and that's what they're doing to you. The trouble is that once we have a reputation or a label for being one way or another, it can make things worse. Sometimes it feels almost easier to live up to that repuation rather than do anything to contradict it, so it encourages 'shy' or 'quiet' people to retreat even more into their shells. But remember, always, that these labels are other peoples' ideas and you don't have to adopt them or believe in them. Think up some new ones for yourself, that you'll be happy with.....maybe something along the lines of 'well I may be 'quieter than some people' but I'd rather be that way than be noisy and loud, or over-confident and pushy'....... Or tell yourself that your shyness comes from your being more sensitive to other people (which it may well do) and that you therefore take other peoples' comments rather more to heart than most. In which case you could describe yourself as 'sensitive' rather than 'shy' or 'quiet'.

That may help you shake off your reactions to those labels and help you see some of your own innate good qualities that make you the way you are.

And being 'shy' or 'quiet' isn't necessarily all bad. It probably does mean you're far more sensitve than many of those brash noisy people we all meet. And that could be a great asset....because sensitive people often have an ability to put themsleves in other's shoes and therefore make really good friends.

Does any of that make sense to you?
Dilys

'The Shy One'

Dear Dilys,
I've got a reputation among my friends for being the shy one. I know I'm quiet and most of them are much more confident than me but i get fed up with knowing they think this about me. It makes my shyness worse...and makes me more conscious every time we're out of what they must be thinking of me. And if I don't speak up and join in, then they call me quiet. And that too makes things worse. Sometimes I wish I could just move away and make a fresh start with new friends and then I might be able to be a bit more confident.
Col

It sounds a very lonely place tobe at the moment - shy and stuck at home alone in yourbedroom. It can be very hard for people who think that everyone else is out and about socialising, to feel isolated, lonely and left out. And I know the idea of meeting new people and getting to know them can feel like an enormous hurdle. No wonder you feel trapped at the moment, for your shyness is physically crippling you so that you don't have the courage to leave your room in order to find the life that you really seem to want.

Let me say first of all, that there are many many others like you. My contact with young people during 15 years of counselling has helped me see that MOST youngsters experience some degree of shyness. It's just that some show/hide it better than others. Of course, we all know some of those infuriating types who appear not to have an ounce of shyness anywhere....who are always outgoing, bubbly and sociable, seem to be the life and soul of every party, and never seem to hesitate for one second about meeting new people - even going up to total strangers and striking up a conversation. But those people are few and far between. I know because I've heard so many young people confess to me how very far from this stereotype they feel. So I always like to point out that probably most of the young people you meet are shy to some extent. It's just that some learn to hide it really well; others are probably just a bit further along the road in terms of managing it than you are. The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do to help yourself.
ANd the first real piece of advice is that you're not going to meet anyone in your bedroom. Getting a social life always involves a bit of effort, and sadly, it involves doing the very thing that you're probably most scared of...ie going out and facing people. But this can be made easier by doing it with someone else. It always feels easier to go into a pub, club or party if you have someone to go with. So, although you say you have no friends, do please try and find someone in your life with whom you could try doing a few new things. THis could be a brother or sister, an old family friend, or perhaps someone from school or college who may not feel like a best mate but may be quite useful in getting you out and about.
Then the next step would be to plan to go somewhere together. Don't make things overly hard on yourself by choosing your worst-case scenario! That could seem like climbing a mountain...instead, take this in small steps that feel reasonably comfortable and OK to you. In other words, go somewhere you're reasonably familiar with, perhaps where people you know hang out. Friendly people, if possible. Plan together in advance an exit strategy....so that if you're both hating it, you can escape. That will help you feel more positive....if you know you don't have to be stuck somewhere you're not enjoying. And even if you don't manage to talk to any new people that night, or meet anyone, you can still use the occasion to study how other people are behaving, listen to what they're saying, and get a feel for how other young people meet and greet each other successfully. That will all be good, useful material for your next outing.

So, Dave, have a think about this and let me know how you get on. And don't hesitate to come back for more advice when you need it.
Dilys

Shyness

Dear Dilys,
I am very shy and find it hard to socialise with other people....I am often stuck in my bedroom...and find it hard to make friends. I've been single now for about 5 years due to my shyness (I'm 19) and I don't like it. It makes me feel trapped. Do you have any advise that can help me?
Dave

This is such a good question....for how can we ever let people know who we are and what makes us tick, if we can't get beyond that first greeting? My best advice when you meet someone new, is to try desperately hard to take the focus off yourself and put it on to them. People always like it if you seem interested in them. So rather than worrying about how you come across, why not try asking them lots of questions about themselves instead? Not to the point of becoming boring or intense....but just a few light-hearted questions about their taste in music or where they live and what they do is usualy enough to get a conversation going. But also be prepared with a few things to say about yourself that will get peoples' attention. So things that can lead to them asking more...as in your interests, or your views on a topic in the news or on tv. It's often a good idea to watch tv anyway to see how people strike up conversations in the soaps or dramas. And to give you something to chat about. And never be afraid to model yourself on someone you admire. So find the friendliest, most relax person you know...and watch how they do it! You should be able to pick up some good tips which you can then gradually put into practice.
Dilys

More on loneliness and meeting people

Dear Dilys,
I would like to know more about how to meet people for surely the whole basis of loneliness is that people like me just don't know how to get beyond the first hello with someone?
When I meet new people I am immediately overcome with embarassment. I blush often. I fumble for words...and I can never give a good impression of myself. What do you suggest I do differently?
Mel

My reply:

"This is increasingly a problem nowadays. It seems young women just can’t understand what’s going on with the young men of the same generation. Perhaps any 30-something male readers might like to write in to give their side of the story? It could be illuminating.

It does seem that some men are simply quite happy to play the field. Having a series of one-off dates clearly suits them. Others are probably just slow in getting organised and don’t have the pressure of the biological clock ticking as you do.

Others though, as you suggest, may be intimidated by you and your high-powered friends. Have you thought about how you come across on a date? If you’re a successful career woman who’s fully in control of your own life and good at what you do, it’s possible that you come across so independent and self-sufficient that men think twice about getting involved.

The only way you’re going to know is to ask someone. Why not have a chat with a good friend, preferably a male, about how others see you? Then you can begin to think about making changes that would enable you to come across as a more appealing prospect!"

Does anyone else have anything to add....or any more advice on this topic?

Loneliness at New Year

Dear Dilys is the name of an Advice Column I write here in the UK for a number of local newspapers in the south of England.

At this time of year, I regularly receive letters from people who are lonely. In fact, quite a big proportion of my postbag is from people who are lonely at any time of year......young single mums stuck at home with small children; 30-somethings who can't seem to get beyond a first date; over-50's who've recently become single again; or over 60's who don't believe they'll ever get over the loss of a life-time partner.

But at New Year, everyone's loneliness seems somehow exaggerated. This may be to do with the pressure of 'having to have fun' on New Year's Eve and the idea that there therefore needs to be a 'special someone' with whom to share the moment, or it may be to do with the fact that everyone around seems to be making optimistic plans for the future.....which only makes the loneliness of the singletons feel worse as they have no one to share their plans and dreams.

Whatever the cause, I feel there are probably lots of tips that lonely people could usefully share. Also, those that have moved on out of loneliness and found themselves some friends could surely pass on some helpful ideas to others.

I have some ideas myself which I'll be posting here. But all thoughts, ideas and suggestions are welcome.

One of the key points about people who are lonely is that they are not necessarily looking for love, or for a partner. They're much more likely to be wanting to build up a network of good, solid friends. For isn't that how we get much of our sustenance through life? And isn't that how we meet other people anyway...through our good friends...?

So....those are my inital thoughts. Let me know yours.