Children and Divorce

Apparently some researchers in the UK have established that children suffer more from conflict between their parents during divorce, than any lack of contact. It always amazes me how people will spend hours of their time and huge sums to find things out that are so self-evident anyway. I've worked with endless children whose parents have been divorcing. And it's no great surprise that they prefer their parents not to row. Indeed the key thing they always ask for is that their parents should remain friends. The break up of a family is a devastating thing for any child. The family is their bedrock; they've always believed in it. And they have to feel it's stable and secure to feel stable and secure themselves. So once this illusion is shattered, they have so very much to come to terms with. It's like the collapse of their universe.....like someone's pulled the rug out from under them and they have to start afresh and relearn a whole new way of living.

So, of course, if their parents can only get on and speak politely and kindly to each other, it's going to make the whole process easier for the children. Apart from anything else, young people often blame themselves for any break up. They may be too young to understand what's going on, and every time they hear their parents row, they may believe they've done something wrong to cause this upset. I've heard so many children describe those terribly anxious moments lying awake in bed listening to the row going on downstairs. The anxiety sets up butterflies in their stomachs as they lie awake dreading that the angry parent is going to walk out, or come upstairs and take things out on them. And wondering what they can do to make things better sometimes believing that if only they can behave or please their parents in some way, all will be well.

Of course this leads to fragile children with insecurity. They literally don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next. But when they learn that their parents are separating, that the rows will finally come to and end, this rarely makes them any happier. Now they're even more likely to blame themselves, to wonder what they could have done to prevent this happening, and to worry about the future without both parents.

At this point, if parents can only learn to put their children first and do their utmost to achieve an amicable divorce or separation, that will benefit their offspring hugely. Children are quick to pick up an atomosphere; they'll already probably have realised that their parents can't live together. But they don't see why they can't remain friends. They know there must have been love there once for that's when they were conceived. So they can't understand why their parents can't remember that love and be kind to each other.

And parents who do manage to remain on good terms find their children much more quickly adjust to the new circumstances. For a start if the parents remain able to communicate without bitterness, they're likely to be in touch more often and the children's needs more easily seen to. And the children won't have to get involved in all those ghastly games where parents all too often try to get them to take sides. They'll know that they still have two parents who both still love them and who are doing their utmost to keep relations good for the whole family's sake.

People often wonder why we have so many angry people in society today. I believe that much of this angers stems from mistreatment in childhood. And that mistreatment can be something like being negelected or having their needs ignored during a divorce or separation. A young person who feels shut out and irrelevant at this stage in life is likely to grow up feeling misunderstood, neglected and hard done by. And it's young people with resentments like that who all too often grow into the angry adults around us. And they in turn then go on to inflict their anger on their offspring...and so it goes on..and on...and on.

So to get off this merry-go-round of creating angry people, we do surely need to encourage parents towards more amicable divorces. I remember one young client who confided to me (aged 10) that all he really wanted to make him happier was for his parents to exchange a few kind words on the doorstep when his Dad picked him up. Or for his Dad to come in for a cup of tea at hand-over time. His dream was that if that could be achieved, then, maybe one day his Dad would be able to come in for a game of Monopoly....just like the old days when they all lived at home together. And if he had his ultimate wish it would be for Mum and Dad to take him and his brother on holiday...again like the old days. He knew nothing would bring them back together again, but this didn't sound like a lot to ask.
Dilys