Denial or Dishonest - Ted Kennedy, Chloe Madeley and Harlequins

Strange that examples of ‘denial’ seem to be everywhere since I wrote that piece about Gordon Brown.
First up we learned that Richard and Judy’s daughter Chloe Madeley apparently abandoned her car having crashed into another. Then Ted Kennedy dies and everyone is thinking back to the time when he drove into the water at Chappaquiddick and left his companion, Mary Joe Kopechne to die in his semi-submerged car.
The news of the rugby team’s cover up over using fake blood to simulate an injury so that they could substitute a player seems - at first glance - to be yet another example, except that this isn’t denial so much as outright lying. After all, they knew what they were doing; it was a deliberate, pre-meditated act so they can’t be said to be in ‘denial’. Just dishonest.

Will Carling talks about the 'Bloodgate' scandal
Uploaded by itnnews. - Watch the latest news videos.

But the first two examples are similar. Chloe Madeley presumably hoped that by running away, she might avoid getting into trouble. Perhaps she was worried about being breathalysed and thought her famous parents would be able to organise a cover-up. Perhaps she’s still young enough to think first of her parents in times of trouble. Could be she just wasn’t thinking straight, but it certainly doesn’t sound as if she’s been brought up to deal honestly and openly with the consequences of her actions.
Similarly, the Kennedy family, sad to say, often felt they didn’t have to suffer any consequences of their actions. They came across as firm believers in the theory that they were above normal procedures, even above the law. They knew everyone who was rich and powerful and instinctively tried to make this work for them. Edward Kennedy’s penalty for leaving the scene of the accident was pretty minimal. The Kennedy’s seemed to think that if they stuck together in times of trouble, closed ranks and shut out the rest of the world, they could overcome most difficulties that came their way. That’s denial, if ever I’ve seen it.
Even much more recently Edward Kennedy was involved in an attempted cover-up of an alleged rape by one of his nephews, for which I believe he has since apologised. So it sounds as if in later years he had begun to learn that attempting to hide things, and trying to circumvent the law are not useful tools for life.
Interesting though, that with all this in his background, he should have gone on to win such huge respect from the American people, and the rest of the world. It seems he managed to redeem himself by working for most of his life for the underdog, for those without the same voice as the Kennedy’s, with those who were impoverished and suffering through no fault of their own.
So perhaps the lesson here is that Kennedy’s experience in manipulating the system, maybe eventually opened his eyes to the fact that there are others much less fortunate who can’t, and who are much more deserving of help than the richest and most powerful members of society. So maybe that’s why he focussed so much on legislation to improve the lives of others in his later years.
One imagines he came to see that none of us is an island, that each of our actions impinges on others, that we can face up to what we’ve done and learn from it, that it is possible to own up, admit a mistake and ask forgiveness. And that that is usually a far healthier way forward than pretending something didn’t happen.

Gordon Brown in Denial over Lockerbie bomber release

Gordon Brown seems to have gone into denial over the release, on compassionate grounds, of Mergahi. I’ve been waiting eagerly to watch his body language as he first speaks out on the subject.....yet even today, at his first press conference since the news came out, it seems he’s ducking the issue.
Does he really believe that if he doesn’t acknowledge what everyone’s talking about, namely whether or not the alleged Lockerbie bomber should have been released, then we’ll all just think the problem’s gone away?
Can he be that stupid? People who won’t acknowledge difficult things, or who shy away from difficult issues, people who can’t handle confrontation or who choose to avoid sensitive issues don’t come across as strong or able. Instead they appear weak and pathetic. That doesn’t mean I wanted to see him plough into the argument all guns blazing, putting on a strong act to cover up whatever his own part in it was.
But I would have liked to see him engaging in some discussion over whether the release was, in essence, a good idea: whether Mergahi would have received the same compassionate treatment under English law, if he’d been in an English jail; whether it can ever be right to release someone who has the blood of 270 innocent victims on his hands; whether the need for trade ever outweighs the need for justice; whether we are a more compassionate people than all those Americans who are so angry at this result.
A good Prime Minister, one who was at ease with himself and comfortable in his role would surely have been able to take these awkward arguments in his stride.
http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js

Results, Results, Results....How should parents react to kids' exam results?

Today’s the big day for so many of our young people and it’s really important for their self-esteem and confidence that they get their ‘moment’. For some, quite lowly grades will be a huge achievement. Others will be disappointed that in amongst a string of ‘A’s’ lurks just one ‘B’. But most, if not all, will have done their very best and are entitled to this one day of self-satisfaction.

So it’s hugely important that parents don’t bring their own expectations to bear on this emotional day. You may be disappointed in your child’s results but now is not the time to say so. As long as you know they’ve worked really hard, please just let them enjoy today. Nothing is more guaranteed to bring a young person down, than a bit of niggling from a parent. Most will have worked really hard for months before their exams, and will already be in a state of emotional turmoil about the results. And the very best outcome for everyone is for the young person to be allowed to feel their own feelings in their own way without anyone else imposing their judgements, or criticisms or disappointment.

So, even if your offspring haven’t quite come up to your expectations, it’s really important that for this one day you put your feelings aside. You let your child have his or her ‘moment’.......it’ll never be possible to recapture this day or this time, so just let them go with the flow.

If more work needs to be done, if re-takes are on the horizon, you can sort it all out tomorrow or the day after. But for today, let them bask in their own glory if they can, or, if they’re disappointed in themselves, try to perk them up by reminding them how hard they work and how much you still value them. Exam results do not make a human being...and it may be kind to remind them of that.
http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js

To be Young and Unemployed in 2009

What must it be like to be young and unemployed in the current difficult climate? To have left school or university recently and find little or no prospects of a job in your area must be devastating.

Anyone who's been unemployed - or been given the sack - knows what a huge dent it makes in your morale. We're conditioned nowadays to value ourselves through our work; a huge number of the good feelings we have about ourselves are often tied up with what we do for a living. So the loss of it - or the prospect of never getting any - can set up a sadness akin to bereavement. It is a real loss, after all..... a loss of self-esteem, a loss of hope, a loss of power. For only when we're earning are we truly able to have control of our lives, to organise things as we want them.

So I feel particularly sorry for this new generation who have no job prospects in front of them. It means many will have to stay living at home with their parents for far longer than they'd hoped. It means many will have acres of time on their hands and no money to spend doing anything with it.
It'll mean a loss of dreams for many and the abandonment of ambition....they'll instead be marking time until they can find someone to employ them.

We need to take care of this generation, to offer them what help we can. I can only hope that some of the government schemes set up to help re-train them or occupy them or encourage them into volunteering are actually delivering on their promises. For if not, we face a future with a lost generation growing up never knowing what it's like to have a reason to get up in the morning, and a purpose to life.

What Hillary Clinton's outburst says about her, and her relationship with Bill

Hillary Clinton's outburst at a press conference in DR Congo seems to have been interpreted as a feisty, ballsy response from a strong-minded feminist. But to me, it seemed there was far more to it than that. Her response was so quick, and instinctive it appeared to indicate a long history of troubled feelings, of insecurity in relation to her husband, of years spent in his shadow.



It's interesting in retrospect that the questioner apparently made a slip of the tongue, and had really wanted to ask her about President Obama's view...not President Clinton's. And any truly relaxed human being might have taken a minute to ponder the question, put it back politely to the questioner in order to verify that she'd properly understood. That would then have given the questioner time to apologise and re-phrase the question.

But no, Hillary ploughed right on in.....giving away, I think, the fact that even now, even as Secretary of State for the USA, she still feels she has to justify herself and her position, still has to point out to people that she's 'made it', still needs to remind herself and others that she has a life apart from her husband's.

It's sad really for she is clearly a strong woman in her own right. It's just that maybe years of conditioning as the wife of a president have left even her not really believing it.

Baby P's Murderers - Born Evil or Turned Evil?

The newspapers are full of vitriol today about Baby P’s mother, step-father and brother....variously described as evil, vile, wicked, tramps. And, of course, their behaviour towards the tiny innocent little boy was precisely that and we all continue to be horrified at the torture they inflicted on him, at how he must have suffered, how it must have hurt, and how utterly lonely and bewildered the little chap must have felt for most of his life; never knowing love and tenderness; never being swept up in his parents’ arms for a cuddle; never feeling comfortable, well-fed, changed; never being able to trust those around him; often, if not always, probably in pain.
Most of us cannot begin to understand how other human beings can treat a baby like this. But surely herein lies a lesson for us all. When will we begin to realise that there are cycles of violence, that a child brought up in a violent home, without love and attention, lacking in affection, neglected for most of its life will go on to inflict the same kind of desperate neglect on their own children? Almost inevitably.
It’s about time we tried to break these cycles, to intervene earlier, to give young people from chaotic homes the chance to improve their lot, to offer them parenting classes long before they think of starting a family, to help them learn empathy and compassion and become emotionally intelligent.
Only people who are totally without empathy can inflict cruelty on others. And anyone who’s experienced gross neglect as a child is likely to be unable to empathise. All they know is pain, for them it’s normal which is why it doesn’t seem that difficult to inflict it on others, indeed it often seems OK because they believe this is how the world is.
It’s a tough nut to crack but we should surely be investing resources in catching young vulnerable people in their early teens, offering them chances to be cared for loved, respected and valued; helping them with their social skills, encouraging them to think of others, training them up to be good parents in their turn. If we don’t do something, more and more cases of child neglect will continue to stun us.

Mark Lester claims he is true father of Michael Jackson's daughter Paris...but why do this through the Press?

There’s a lot of wisdom in the old adage that if you really care for someone you only want the best for them.....so why, if Mark Lester truly believes he might be Paris Jackson’s biological Dad, would his first move be to go to the press?
Surely as her Godfather, he’s supposed to be taking care of her welfare and well-being, and the kindest course of action (if he truly had her interests at heart) would have been to raise the issue quietly and privately with those closest to her who are caring for her.
He seems to be volunteering to undergo a paternity test – but for whose sake? Obviously Paris has the right to know who her true parents are, when she’s old enough and ready to ask. But at the moment, surely she needs to be left alone to grieve the enormous loss of her only constant parent?
And if he should turn out to be the father, what does he propose to do about it? Is he going to break her heart by telling her about it? Is he then prepared to support her financially until she’s 18? Hopefully, he’s not planning to separate her from her siblings and bring her to the UK to live with him? So what possible good can it do for her to have this uncertainty raised at this stage?
You have to wonder about his motives...and indeed about the motives of all those who feel they have to live their lives through the pages of the newspapers, the world-wide web and on television .
It sometimes seems nowadays that everyone feels a need to ‘validate’ their feelings in public. As if things can’t be ‘real’ until they’ve divulged their innermost thoughts and feelings and seen them splashed across the world; as if they don’t fully exist until they’ve participated in this ‘reality’ circus foisted on us by today’s media.
Think how everyone feels obliged nowadays to speak out when they lose a loved one, or after a court case....they all trot out to say their piece about how ‘devastated’ they are and how their lives will never be the same etc. etc. But we all know that...we don’t need to hear it from them...and they’d probably be better off going away quietly, being with their families and supporting each other. But for some reason it’s become the norm now for people to get things off their chests publicly. Maybe it helps – for a second or two – but surely we should be trying to learn that our lives and our feelings can be just as valuable and worthwhile and authentic even when not ‘framed’ by a tv screen.

Children and Divorce

Apparently some researchers in the UK have established that children suffer more from conflict between their parents during divorce, than any lack of contact. It always amazes me how people will spend hours of their time and huge sums to find things out that are so self-evident anyway. I've worked with endless children whose parents have been divorcing. And it's no great surprise that they prefer their parents not to row. Indeed the key thing they always ask for is that their parents should remain friends. The break up of a family is a devastating thing for any child. The family is their bedrock; they've always believed in it. And they have to feel it's stable and secure to feel stable and secure themselves. So once this illusion is shattered, they have so very much to come to terms with. It's like the collapse of their universe.....like someone's pulled the rug out from under them and they have to start afresh and relearn a whole new way of living.

So, of course, if their parents can only get on and speak politely and kindly to each other, it's going to make the whole process easier for the children. Apart from anything else, young people often blame themselves for any break up. They may be too young to understand what's going on, and every time they hear their parents row, they may believe they've done something wrong to cause this upset. I've heard so many children describe those terribly anxious moments lying awake in bed listening to the row going on downstairs. The anxiety sets up butterflies in their stomachs as they lie awake dreading that the angry parent is going to walk out, or come upstairs and take things out on them. And wondering what they can do to make things better sometimes believing that if only they can behave or please their parents in some way, all will be well.

Of course this leads to fragile children with insecurity. They literally don't know what's going to happen from one day to the next. But when they learn that their parents are separating, that the rows will finally come to and end, this rarely makes them any happier. Now they're even more likely to blame themselves, to wonder what they could have done to prevent this happening, and to worry about the future without both parents.

At this point, if parents can only learn to put their children first and do their utmost to achieve an amicable divorce or separation, that will benefit their offspring hugely. Children are quick to pick up an atomosphere; they'll already probably have realised that their parents can't live together. But they don't see why they can't remain friends. They know there must have been love there once for that's when they were conceived. So they can't understand why their parents can't remember that love and be kind to each other.

And parents who do manage to remain on good terms find their children much more quickly adjust to the new circumstances. For a start if the parents remain able to communicate without bitterness, they're likely to be in touch more often and the children's needs more easily seen to. And the children won't have to get involved in all those ghastly games where parents all too often try to get them to take sides. They'll know that they still have two parents who both still love them and who are doing their utmost to keep relations good for the whole family's sake.

People often wonder why we have so many angry people in society today. I believe that much of this angers stems from mistreatment in childhood. And that mistreatment can be something like being negelected or having their needs ignored during a divorce or separation. A young person who feels shut out and irrelevant at this stage in life is likely to grow up feeling misunderstood, neglected and hard done by. And it's young people with resentments like that who all too often grow into the angry adults around us. And they in turn then go on to inflict their anger on their offspring...and so it goes on..and on...and on.

So to get off this merry-go-round of creating angry people, we do surely need to encourage parents towards more amicable divorces. I remember one young client who confided to me (aged 10) that all he really wanted to make him happier was for his parents to exchange a few kind words on the doorstep when his Dad picked him up. Or for his Dad to come in for a cup of tea at hand-over time. His dream was that if that could be achieved, then, maybe one day his Dad would be able to come in for a game of Monopoly....just like the old days when they all lived at home together. And if he had his ultimate wish it would be for Mum and Dad to take him and his brother on holiday...again like the old days. He knew nothing would bring them back together again, but this didn't sound like a lot to ask.
Dilys

Dear Dilys Advice: The Shy One

Dear Dilys Advice: The Shy One

The Shy One

Dear Col,
It sounds like your friends are only making a difficult situation worse. There's nothing worse than being 'labelled' and that's what they're doing to you. The trouble is that once we have a reputation or a label for being one way or another, it can make things worse. Sometimes it feels almost easier to live up to that repuation rather than do anything to contradict it, so it encourages 'shy' or 'quiet' people to retreat even more into their shells. But remember, always, that these labels are other peoples' ideas and you don't have to adopt them or believe in them. Think up some new ones for yourself, that you'll be happy with.....maybe something along the lines of 'well I may be 'quieter than some people' but I'd rather be that way than be noisy and loud, or over-confident and pushy'....... Or tell yourself that your shyness comes from your being more sensitive to other people (which it may well do) and that you therefore take other peoples' comments rather more to heart than most. In which case you could describe yourself as 'sensitive' rather than 'shy' or 'quiet'.

That may help you shake off your reactions to those labels and help you see some of your own innate good qualities that make you the way you are.

And being 'shy' or 'quiet' isn't necessarily all bad. It probably does mean you're far more sensitve than many of those brash noisy people we all meet. And that could be a great asset....because sensitive people often have an ability to put themsleves in other's shoes and therefore make really good friends.

Does any of that make sense to you?
Dilys

'The Shy One'

Dear Dilys,
I've got a reputation among my friends for being the shy one. I know I'm quiet and most of them are much more confident than me but i get fed up with knowing they think this about me. It makes my shyness worse...and makes me more conscious every time we're out of what they must be thinking of me. And if I don't speak up and join in, then they call me quiet. And that too makes things worse. Sometimes I wish I could just move away and make a fresh start with new friends and then I might be able to be a bit more confident.
Col

It sounds a very lonely place tobe at the moment - shy and stuck at home alone in yourbedroom. It can be very hard for people who think that everyone else is out and about socialising, to feel isolated, lonely and left out. And I know the idea of meeting new people and getting to know them can feel like an enormous hurdle. No wonder you feel trapped at the moment, for your shyness is physically crippling you so that you don't have the courage to leave your room in order to find the life that you really seem to want.

Let me say first of all, that there are many many others like you. My contact with young people during 15 years of counselling has helped me see that MOST youngsters experience some degree of shyness. It's just that some show/hide it better than others. Of course, we all know some of those infuriating types who appear not to have an ounce of shyness anywhere....who are always outgoing, bubbly and sociable, seem to be the life and soul of every party, and never seem to hesitate for one second about meeting new people - even going up to total strangers and striking up a conversation. But those people are few and far between. I know because I've heard so many young people confess to me how very far from this stereotype they feel. So I always like to point out that probably most of the young people you meet are shy to some extent. It's just that some learn to hide it really well; others are probably just a bit further along the road in terms of managing it than you are. The good news is that there are plenty of things you can do to help yourself.
ANd the first real piece of advice is that you're not going to meet anyone in your bedroom. Getting a social life always involves a bit of effort, and sadly, it involves doing the very thing that you're probably most scared of...ie going out and facing people. But this can be made easier by doing it with someone else. It always feels easier to go into a pub, club or party if you have someone to go with. So, although you say you have no friends, do please try and find someone in your life with whom you could try doing a few new things. THis could be a brother or sister, an old family friend, or perhaps someone from school or college who may not feel like a best mate but may be quite useful in getting you out and about.
Then the next step would be to plan to go somewhere together. Don't make things overly hard on yourself by choosing your worst-case scenario! That could seem like climbing a mountain...instead, take this in small steps that feel reasonably comfortable and OK to you. In other words, go somewhere you're reasonably familiar with, perhaps where people you know hang out. Friendly people, if possible. Plan together in advance an exit strategy....so that if you're both hating it, you can escape. That will help you feel more positive....if you know you don't have to be stuck somewhere you're not enjoying. And even if you don't manage to talk to any new people that night, or meet anyone, you can still use the occasion to study how other people are behaving, listen to what they're saying, and get a feel for how other young people meet and greet each other successfully. That will all be good, useful material for your next outing.

So, Dave, have a think about this and let me know how you get on. And don't hesitate to come back for more advice when you need it.
Dilys

Shyness

Dear Dilys,
I am very shy and find it hard to socialise with other people....I am often stuck in my bedroom...and find it hard to make friends. I've been single now for about 5 years due to my shyness (I'm 19) and I don't like it. It makes me feel trapped. Do you have any advise that can help me?
Dave

This is such a good question....for how can we ever let people know who we are and what makes us tick, if we can't get beyond that first greeting? My best advice when you meet someone new, is to try desperately hard to take the focus off yourself and put it on to them. People always like it if you seem interested in them. So rather than worrying about how you come across, why not try asking them lots of questions about themselves instead? Not to the point of becoming boring or intense....but just a few light-hearted questions about their taste in music or where they live and what they do is usualy enough to get a conversation going. But also be prepared with a few things to say about yourself that will get peoples' attention. So things that can lead to them asking more...as in your interests, or your views on a topic in the news or on tv. It's often a good idea to watch tv anyway to see how people strike up conversations in the soaps or dramas. And to give you something to chat about. And never be afraid to model yourself on someone you admire. So find the friendliest, most relax person you know...and watch how they do it! You should be able to pick up some good tips which you can then gradually put into practice.
Dilys

More on loneliness and meeting people

Dear Dilys,
I would like to know more about how to meet people for surely the whole basis of loneliness is that people like me just don't know how to get beyond the first hello with someone?
When I meet new people I am immediately overcome with embarassment. I blush often. I fumble for words...and I can never give a good impression of myself. What do you suggest I do differently?
Mel

My reply:

"This is increasingly a problem nowadays. It seems young women just can’t understand what’s going on with the young men of the same generation. Perhaps any 30-something male readers might like to write in to give their side of the story? It could be illuminating.

It does seem that some men are simply quite happy to play the field. Having a series of one-off dates clearly suits them. Others are probably just slow in getting organised and don’t have the pressure of the biological clock ticking as you do.

Others though, as you suggest, may be intimidated by you and your high-powered friends. Have you thought about how you come across on a date? If you’re a successful career woman who’s fully in control of your own life and good at what you do, it’s possible that you come across so independent and self-sufficient that men think twice about getting involved.

The only way you’re going to know is to ask someone. Why not have a chat with a good friend, preferably a male, about how others see you? Then you can begin to think about making changes that would enable you to come across as a more appealing prospect!"

Does anyone else have anything to add....or any more advice on this topic?

Loneliness at New Year

Dear Dilys is the name of an Advice Column I write here in the UK for a number of local newspapers in the south of England.

At this time of year, I regularly receive letters from people who are lonely. In fact, quite a big proportion of my postbag is from people who are lonely at any time of year......young single mums stuck at home with small children; 30-somethings who can't seem to get beyond a first date; over-50's who've recently become single again; or over 60's who don't believe they'll ever get over the loss of a life-time partner.

But at New Year, everyone's loneliness seems somehow exaggerated. This may be to do with the pressure of 'having to have fun' on New Year's Eve and the idea that there therefore needs to be a 'special someone' with whom to share the moment, or it may be to do with the fact that everyone around seems to be making optimistic plans for the future.....which only makes the loneliness of the singletons feel worse as they have no one to share their plans and dreams.

Whatever the cause, I feel there are probably lots of tips that lonely people could usefully share. Also, those that have moved on out of loneliness and found themselves some friends could surely pass on some helpful ideas to others.

I have some ideas myself which I'll be posting here. But all thoughts, ideas and suggestions are welcome.

One of the key points about people who are lonely is that they are not necessarily looking for love, or for a partner. They're much more likely to be wanting to build up a network of good, solid friends. For isn't that how we get much of our sustenance through life? And isn't that how we meet other people anyway...through our good friends...?

So....those are my inital thoughts. Let me know yours.