How on earth can parents handle not knowing if their child's been abused...?

How our hearts go out to all those poor children who were so horrifically abused at their nursery.

And all those of us who are parents must be wondering how on earth their parents are supposed to cope when they don't even know if their own children were amongst the abused. Uncertainty is always hard to cope with, and it sounds as if they're going to have to live with uncertainty for a while yet.

I'm sure the whole nation is struggling to get its head around how this kind of thing can happen....and so many parents today must be wondering if their own offspring are safe in their nurseries or play-groups, or schools.

The first piece of advice I'd suggest for the Plymouth parents is to try to stay calm and keep a clear head. Going into a panic won't help anyone, and particularly the children. It's probably far better to hope for the best, not to fear the worst at this stage. For fearing the worst and stressing out risks passing your own fears and anxieties on to your youngsters.

But if the news is confirmed and your child was involved, then there's a lot you can do to help yourselves and her - or him - for we don't even seem to have been told at this stage if one or both sexes were involved.

First of all, take care of yourself. Everyone is saying that the children were too young to know or understand what was going on. This doesn't necessarily mean they won't be affected at some time in the future, for trauma has a nasty habit of lurking around and coming out at a later date. But for now, you'll need someone to talk to. You're bound to be going through a whole turmoil of emotions from guilt - as in 'how could I have let my child into this situation', to bewilderment and disbelief that something so dreadful could happen, to anger at anyone and everyone who allowed/permitted/facilitated it.

All these feelings are perfectly normal and the best way to deal with them is to talk about them. Try to find a counsellor nearby who will listen to you carefully and help you make sense of all your mixed up feelings. You need to work towards getting over any guilt, for you can't possibly be held responsible for what happened to your child. You weren't there, watching over him or her, all day every day. But you'll still need to be able to express your guilty feelings and go over and over them until you've managed to see that you are not at fault .

Any anger that you feel is perfectly understandable but the key thing here is to let it out in an appropriate way and in appropriate places. Don't let those nearest and dearest to you be the butt of any outbursts but learn, instead, with the help of a counsellor some useful ways of getting rid of your anger without harming others. There are tricks that are helpful, like learning to recognise the beginnings of anger building up inside...and then giving yourself the choice of letting it all out, or deciding to cam yourself down for now and let it out later. You may find that going for some vigorous exercise works for you, or attacking a punch-bag. But your anger will be directed mostly against the perpetrators of this horrendous crime....and you may find it difficult to think of ways you can express your anger towards them. Some may find that writing things down helps...so you could write some letters to these people, probably ones that you never post, but that allow you to get everything you feel off your chest.

Above all, find some help. Find a good counsellor and build up a relationship of trust so that you can discuss everything that's going on inside. And together you can work out a strategy for how to deal with your child as he or she grows up. It'll probably be important to let your child be your guide here, for all of us react in different ways to different events so every child will need a different approach. But work with some professionals so that you and your child are in good, safe hands.